I can make you smile....

A lot to do today...doing things I know, doing things I don't. Such a freaking deadline ahead of me I don't know where to begin. I woke up in a fairly grumpy if not bad mood today. If you saw me you would probably say 'Damn she needs to get laid'...If I saw me that is what I would say for sure!!! Uptight and frustrated - that is me. Damn it sucks to be 42 and have the same life you had at 32, and at 22, and at 12 and at 2!! I say that meaning that I am trying so hard to be good, be noticed, please those around me, and have some sort of life where I can wake up with a smile on my face and say damn isn't this good??

Why is it that I have spent my life making people smile but my smile is a reflection of theirs and not a expression of me? Life for me is an effort and a struggle. I don't understand it. I don't want to be here sometimes as I often just want to bail out and give up. Its too much to handle all this 'rejection' of sorts and daily stupidity of life and its dramas. Life is beautiful indeed...I appreciate the beauty in everything around me and we are all blessed. I am blessed with this dark turmoil of wondering why I happen to be so freaking alone internally. Why I can't seem to find that internal light of satisfaction. Why can't I do, say, and be the right thing??
I am going through the motions....I will continue to try and make everyone around me smile and laugh because eventually it will all come to an end and I can say I did my best and made people happy. My kids, my friends, and those that pass through my circle will all get what ever they need from me. Laughter and happiness is a beautiful thing and I love to give that away constantly. If I happen to be asked at the pearly gates of heaven or hell if I worked on making myself happy....the answer is yes. I work on it every day. I was just not very successful....then I would proceed to make whom ever it is that asked me that question, smile because that is what I do best.