I met the most wonderful person tonight......

(This is just a short story I wrote this week)

I went out to dinner with my traveling co-workers and played the part well. The part of where I smile and laugh on queue. Of course by all appearances I was a happy person having a good time with friends. The reality of the matter is that deep inside there was an unsettled churning. A dark and deep wondering of why. Why am I here? What am I doing here anyway? Why do I put on this stupid show and for what purpose? Occasionally my smile and light laughter was sincere and a soft glimmer, a spark deep within illuminated in the very pit of my soul.

As the mouths moved and the words floated off into the air my ears were ringing. I was hearing nothing but the loud buzz of static in my head. My mind was sinking into the deep dark place I often go to be alone. Alone to wallow in the wonder of what is missing in my life. Alone to contemplate what might become of me in the afterlife. How soon can I get to that other place on the 'other' side? What can I do to make this happen quicker and take me away from this sad lonely place? How many of my pills will it take to get me to that point of no return? All hope has faded away for me.

I used to carry hope in my pocket and called it my sunshine. Needless to say Natasha Bedingfield's song of 'Pocket full of Sunshine' was something I thought of long before her notes and lyrics were ever written on a piece of paper. My pocket full of sunshine was something I always secretly referred to as my ray of hope ever since I was a very young teenager suffering from this dark quiet place of wonder and solace. My version of hope was that someone or something would reach out and pull me out of this darkness, yank my spirit up and back into reality and into the light of life. A child’s dream. A false hope. Silly.

As the buzz in my head continued I faintly heard my name being called. I can't remember the goodbyes or the small talk or even a 'See ya later'. I can't remember of how I got to where I am right now. It's as though I floated here, as if by some sort of magical spell which has been cast upon me. Realizing I am no longer surrounded by my co-workers the acting can finally cease. The pretention can stop. Again, I hear my name being called - distant yet clear. No one knows me here so it can’t be real. I dismiss it.

When I hear my name again it’s said with such deep compassion it pulls me away from my quiet place and into reality. I am stunned. I am startled. I am awake. I am hearing the words being spoken to me loud and clear. The ringing and fuzzy buzz is no longer present in my head. A warm comfort fills my soul. I see the most life filled eyes staring back at me. These eyes are pleading for me to listen. It’s as though these eyes can see deep into my secret quiet place and could actually feel my pain.

As my name is being said these eyes are upon me shining with life and happiness. The words I hear are flowing into me like musical lyrics being sung personally for me. I don't know how I got to where I am right now but I am certain I am staring at the most wonderful person I have ever met and this person is actually looking at me. This person is actually seeing me and looking into my soul, reaching into my dark place of solace.

My pills are in my hand melting from my tight grip and hidden from view. A glass of wine sits beside me looking classy yet serving a different purpose than first appearances. As I realize where I am and what my intentions where I feel ashamed. I look up and into the eyes of that most wonderful and beautiful person. Forgiveness is in those beautiful eyes. Understanding is written all over that beautiful face. Life is pulsating throughout that fantastical body.

My reflection smiles back at me as I stand here looking into the mirror and actually see the most wonderful person I have ever met.

~E