Mind over Matter

Happy Friday. It's 2:30am and I still can't sleep. Oh I remember these days of sleeplessness.....I used to have them a LOT!! My mind is full, my heart is beating hard, and sleep just seems like something out of reach right now. Sleep is something I just can't seem to grasp. So I will write.

I have all sorts of things going through my mind and one of them is why I am where I am right now...Mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. The word faith keeps popping up in my mind. Faith; Belief that is not based on truth. Okay....I am optimistic, or at least I tend to be. Everything will be as it should right? It will all be good. Do I have faith? I surely don't feel like I have faith. I have a lot of trepidation and throbbing intuition that is telling me faith is not an option. Yet, I still keep hearing that soft whisper of the word ....faith.

Faith is what got me into deep hurt and pain along with that heavy onset of depression not too long ago. My optimism carried me through ...barely. Yet here I am today alive and well and theoretically standing at a fork in the road where I have this overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach that faith is just not an option here. Faith may be trying to prevail in my optimistic world yet intuition and trepidation are winning. Its unlike me at all to allow such pessimism into my life but all around me the signs are there.....my soul is telling me to walk gently, carefully, and with caution, and protect yourself fully.

Faith. A belief that is just not going to win this time. Why? Reliance and integrity are dependant upon faith to prevail. Confidence and certainty are also characters that will allow faith to rise up to the moment and stomp its feet upon my intuitive and pessimistic tendancy....squashing those overwhelming feelings like slimy little bugs. My light...my pocket full of sunshine. Faith.

My dark place is loving where I am right now because it knows that at any moment I can move back in like a new tenant in an apartment. Unpacking my belongings for a very long stay. This dark place of mine is prepping for residency. The challenge is to not allow this to happen. To protect myself fully. Be smart and stay one step ahead of the game and by all means....DO.....NOT......FAIL!!!!

I am good. I am strong. I am deservant. I am giving. I am two steps ahead.....

Grrrrrrr......

~E